Tommy’s Place

I don’t know if I ever told yawl about me taking Billy Jean
Ledbetter to the drive-in. My Daddy had a A-Model back in 1949, the back had
been cut off and made into a pick-up, the seat was a folded up blanket. I
had never carried Billy Jean to the drive-in so it would be a first for both
of us. I never carried her again, I’m getting ahead of myself. The
Ledbetter’s lived out in the country near Soso,Ms. Her Daddy hunted
squirrels with a single shot 22, they always had plenty of squirrels to eat
folks said. Her Daddy was cleaning that rifle on the front porch and he told
me, ” Be sure Billy Jean don’t get fooled-with, I know where you live, boy”.
That kept pounding in my head all the way back to town. We had no more than
got parked at the drive-in, and Billy Jean lit-in after me. I was in no mood
for romance, I felt my life depended on my ability to fight her off and not
graze her or pull a button off her blouse. We had to get out and fold that
blanket back up at least a half dozen times, I didn’t care, I needed the
respite. I felt if I could keep her eating chili dogs I could distract her,
that worked only while she ate the chili dogs and drank R C cola. Two chili
dogs and a R C cola was a quarter in those days. I made a lot of vows that
night, few I kept except the one to never carry a girl to the drive-in that
out weighed me and was much stronger than I was. I knew I would not keep the
one about staying clear of moon-shine but I was in a desperate situation. I
was in a mood to swear celibacy for the rest of my life and never touch
“shine” again if It would spare me getting gun shot.
Tip on Moonshine, my Daddy would put a nickel Tootsie-Roll in a
gallon of “shine” after it dissolved and got shook up it looked just like
Jack Daniel. He told folks it taste better than Jack Daniel, no one in our
community have ever drank Jack Daniel. I digress. I knew I was fighting for
my life, I felt like Jacob wrestling with that angel at Jacob’s Ladder, I
prayed I would not leave with a limp, like Jacob did. As long as I could
keep her distracted with Chile dogs I could rest up for her next round of
attacking me, I began to realize I had already spent half my life’s saving
and Billy Jean was just getting stronger. A couple times I worried that we
might turn that A-Model over. Somehow my shoe got caught in the steering
wheel and went flying across the parking lot. I got home limping after all,
some low class stole my shoe. Next day I was wearing one brown shoe and one
black shoe. I lost the other black one trying to help my Uncle Cooter catch
a hog, none of us had ever seen a hog would eat a shoe before. I finally got
her home, I stopped at a Billups gas station for her to freshen up, I told
her to take her time. They only had one key to the bathroom and it was
hooked to a boat paddle, they did that back then. I never got shot but I
sure spent a lot of time explaining in church that my vows were made in
jest.

Tom’s Daylily Page

Tom Maddox, Biloxi, Ms.

This will be a brief explanation as to who really runs America. We
have three branches of Government Executive, Legislative and Judicial. It
would seem that one of these three institutions could run this country and
they would if we didn’t have elections. Maybe I need to explain this a bit
more. We have three types of voters in this country some wear Red shirts,
some wear Blue shirts the others wear White shirts. There are Blue shirts
that will only vote for the Blue shirt candidates, no matter who it is, it
could be ME and they would vote for me. Then the Red shirts they will only
vote for the Red shirt candidates, it could be ME and they will vote for me.
These people are born either Red shirt or Blue shirt voters and will die
that way. The other group, the White shirts they decide who they will let
win, either the Red shirt candidate or the Blue shirt candidate. Neither of
the colored shirts can win by them selves, they must get help from the white
shirts. Sometimes the country gets to much Red shirt influence (Right) and
in the next election the White shirts ban together with enough Blue shirts
to get the country steered more to the left (Blue). We are now in a heavy
Left turn (blue shirt) direction. In November the White shirts will ban with
the Red shirts and save us before we go too far. The White shirt voters have
rescued us from too far Right or Left many times. Blue shirt candidates
believe the government can run your life better than you can. Red shirt
candidates believe you can run your life better than the government can. The
White shirts are aptly called the silent majority. Now you have a complete
understanding on who runs this country, and it was free. See how easy that
was. Have a good day.

When we got married, we eloped. Got the license and decided to
drive out in the country and find as preacher. Found a little church with
three men standing outside. I ask who the preacher was. The biggest one
said, “Me”. I should have known that, Southern preachers do love fried
chicken it seems, it’s a sacrament in some of our Southern Baptist Churches.
I ask him if he could marry me, he said, “I would, but I’m already married”.
After the laughter died down from the three, I told him I brought my own
betrothed with me. After the service in his house witnessed by two men in
overalls I paid the preacher. Later Joyce ask me how much I paid the
preacher. I told her I tithed. “Tithed”? “Yes I gave him a tenth of
everything I have”. “And how much was that”? “Three dollars and fifty
cents”. Joyce has often reminded me about her marrying a man with only
thirty five dollars to his name. I didn’t tell her I have saved up to get
that.

We all search for things at one time or another in hopes of
enhancing our
lives or becoming well known and thought of highly. I heard about the Holy
Grail being lost, I thought this could be a worthwhile thing to search for.
Search I did, now, I’m completely satisfied it is NOT in the attic of our
barn. It would helpful if we knew WHO had it last, and did they loan it to
anybody. I decided I would have to wait awhile on this endeavor, since I was
embarking in another direction. It was this time in my life I found out,
from a possible Mother-in-law, I had proposed to one of her daughters, she
said that my life was completely void of the first virtue. I decided I
would get me some virtues by hook or crook if that’s what it takes. I
figured that virtues should not be too hard to come by, since it’s what
other people think about you. I felt this was easily obtainable, since so
many people know me well, and thoughts about me abound.

Once I found out that my lacking in virtues, was my greatest
hindrance to success and getting a good wife , it gave me something to
strive for. I decided for once in my life I would gain some virtues, and I
knew where to go, where all great searches start in the Deep South. I went
to the local fortune teller, surely she would know how I could obtain a
virtue or two, I wasn’t even sure how many virtues I would need. The sign
in her yard said, FORTUNES TOLD $5. I told her what I wanted her to
search-out for
me, as she stared into the little ball. Finally she told me that kind of
information, about people like me, couldn’t be found in a $5 ball. She said
it may take the $10 ball, it was bigger, more powerful, and plugged in to
the socket for much needed power. She said the $5 ball was only battery
powered. Sure enough when she brought it out from the back, it had a power
cord hanging out the bottom. As she stared into the new ball, she said we
would have to make it short because, getting information like this could run
up her electric bill, these things use a lot of power when the information
is almost an impossibility. I didn’t know that, but I sure was glad my
future was in the hands of a professional.

She went on to explained that virtues must be positive things
people think
about you. I was devastated to hear that. It’s a crying shame that a
persons own opinion of themselves carries so little weight in this virtues
business.
I figured a person who is held in high regard by other people,
must be a wizard at hiding their true character. My problem has always been
that my true character shines through so indelible. I’m still not above
achieving a virtue of two, even by some quirk in the law, if possible. Then,
she started listing all the positive things I would need to do in my life to
gain some virtues, again I was devastated. I told her I didn’t realize
virtues come at such a high price. I ask her if there might be a short-cut
or two I might take, I explained to her that I was not above deceit or
outright lying, to become virtuous. She said my case looked so hopeless
that I would have to come back in about a week for a reading from the $15
ball. It was off being repaired, it had a sync problem. Now my big
problem was that if I spend any more money trying to get myself virtuous, I
may be too broke to get married.

I found out later that I was too broke for marriage BEFORE I visited
the
fortune teller. I also feared that if I became virtuous, people who knew me
would say I probably stole it. She said from the number of people
searching for virtues these days, it would be big this year and the IN
thing. I’m afraid this virtues thing is getting out of control. The world
is sinking into some kind of a High Moral abyss, right before my eyes. What
happened to the days when being cunning would supply most needs. Without a
little deception, my life would be a total bore. What future wife would give
me the time-of-day if my chances of impressing her was limited to the truth.
What in the world will we do about getting people to become politicians? I
see a leaderless country emerging here, a definitely scary thought. People
may quit voting without the empty promises to prod us to the polls. There is
always hope that the people we have in Washington can find a way to turn
this High Moral thing around to save our political system, they have always
been able to come through in the past. After much pondering over this
virtues thing, I decided to try and improve my character, in other ways,
since honesty and high morals seems to be so far fetched for my family.
Putting on a coat of honesty and decency seems to surely limit a person’s
possibilities in life. Gotta Go…
Tom

Tom Maddox

Real Early Days

Ugly will propagate ugly just about every time. The same thing is true with
goats, if you sit down and eat an ugly goat you will more than likely get
sick. Pretty goats won’t make you sick. That’s why people get upset stomachs
when they eat out, they ate a steak from an ugly cow. Maybe someday they
will be required to put a picture of the cow right there on the package.
This is another reason I still might sue my teachers I can’t keep on track
of what I am saying or doing. My teachers may all be dead, especially the
ones with blue hair that drove blue four door Plymouths. They were all over
a hundred 65 years ago so they may have all gone through the Glory line
already, except the pretty ones who may now have blue hair now and drive
blue Plymouths. No wonder I can’t get anything done I am always forgetting
what I was trying to do. Never laugh at or make fun of somebody who fights
with tree limbs. Never marry a girl who is bigger and stronger than you are.
Never marry a girl you can’t outrun, learned that the hard way. Women are
much too strong for their size than they need to be. Never marry a girl you
pick up in a bar unless her Daddy owns the bar. Never get a divorce unless
you are sure you would be happy with half your stuff and none of your money.

In my early days, I was alarmed how some people can get mighty
sensitive about things that would never faze most folks. It was a time in my
life that my own resume, I must admit would have certainly been lacking had
I not listed all my potential. I had this pending evaluation and vetting I
suppose, of a possible girl friend, Billy Jean Upchurch, she was semi good
looking at the time, not semi anymore, full fledged. I could just see myself
some day living in that big ole double wide her folks owned, all reared back
in my easy chair watching Ole Miss beat LSU with an electrolyte and Billy
Jean cooking a fresh picked mess of grits for supper. I explained to her
Mama that I wanted to make sure that she didn’t think that Billy Jean would
some day get as big and husky and grow a beard, as her older sister,
Gertrude. I guess I was delving into genetics even at an early age. I felt I
needed to clear some things up before offering myself into the family and
possibly deluting my gene pool. Never in my wildest imagination had I meant
to act unkempt or unchristian-like in my inquiring. If I had not had on a
pair of new mud grip KEDS I would be dead today no doubt. I will always be
thankful that her Mama didn’t find her glasses, she FOUND her rifle. I look
back on it though and I am positive that I am better off with Joyce’s family
to fall back on, especially if my planned inheritance and lottery ticket
portfolio doesn’t work out
Tom’s Daylily Page

Tom Maddox, Biloxi, Ms.

Never answer E-mails that are unfriendly to you. Never get TOO
friendly in a movie with a girl that carries a switch blade. Keep your hands
in your pocket, in the movie if the girl is famous for her left hook. Never
try to put a cat a bag if that cat prefers not to be in that bag. Never boil
a possum too long, they will get too tougher. Never steal sweet potatoes off
the back porch of a preacher, their revengeful prayers could be answered.
Never threaten any body who is cleaning a pistol. Never bad mouth folks who
owe you money, wait until you get your money back. Last but not least never
bad mouth any body, boy or girl, who can outrun you. You might want to write
these down.

Tom’s Daylily Page

Went to Wally World this afternoon. Joyce looks at the clothes and I
look at the free magazines. A woman blew her horn at me in the parking lot.
I told her I thought her horn was stuck if she would pop the hood latch I
would disconnect it until she could get it fixed. She said there was nothing
wrong with her horn she had blown it at me for getting in her way. I
explained to her she was lucky my wife was with me because I didn’t hear her
horn blow anyway. I explained she needs to get it fixed if I couldn’t hear
it. I didn’t tell her I couldn’t hear it thunder. I suggested maybe the
reason I didn’t hear it was because maybe she had worn it out. About this
time I decided I better move on since I was being threatened by TWO women
either one out weighed mw by 50 pounds.
I was coming home from work one day while in the Air force and my
car stalled at a red light. While I was trying to get it started a woman
behind me blew her horn when the light changed and I didn’t move. I’m
grinding my starter and she is grinding her horn. I ask her if she would
come try to start my car I would blow her horn for her. She went around me
rather fast. I’m going to a re-union of my wifes folks tomorrow. I’m not
allowed to be myself on these festive occasions. My favorite part of my
wife’s High School reunions, is the wheel chair races. We both went to
school in Jones County in Mississippi. I told my wife on the way home I am
glad when we got married we left Jones County, that place sure has a way of
ulgling-up people. My wife says most of my troubles come from my lying,
don’t know why I can’t remember that. Gotta Go…

Men think of women every 15 seconds, women think of shopping every
15 seconds and think of men about twice a month. If your wife ask you if you
still love her, she will usually add, “You sure don’t act like you do”.
“Well, what did I do this time”? “If you don’t know just forget it”. “That
should be easy since I have no idea how this got started in the first
place”. I don’t mind listening to others opinion as long as I get a chance
to show them how ridiculous their opinion really was. Never argue with your
wife, she will surely remind you how you almost killed her when one of your
children was born, that you were responsible for. You will have no comeback,
since you can’t have children. I tried to get pregnant once but failed
miserably. Adult beverages (beer) will kill some of your brain cells, I am
only now getting my brain cells down to a manageable level. When a man is in
his teens fighting raging hormones they want to get married as soon as they
can talk some woman into marrying them or find a REAL friendly girlfriend.
Once a man reaches about 75 they usually will look back at all this as
youthful ignorance and over imagination and wonder why all the fuss?
Tom’s Daylily Page

I think my daughter probably gets her good looks from me. I got my
new glasses now and I do look pretty good I must admit. Joyce was the
Homecoming Queen so I think she deserves me, even though I do enjoy my own
company. My brother told me when I was a baby, that my Mother came home from
the hospital without me but the police brought me home and threatened her if
she ever left me again in public. She told me that I did begin to look more
promising with age. I’m Southern Baptist, we believe the back four pews in
church is where God dwells most of the time, if you sit on one of the front
four pews you are guilty of something and trying to repent. If you dream of
fried chicken and banana pudding twice in one week you are probably being
called to preach. To go in a liquor store in your own home State is sinful
and showing signs of arrogance and dementia. I need to publish a pamphlet.
Tom’s Daylily Page